Last but not least

Well I think this is it for the archives.  I have had a really great time writing on this blog, and I think it kept me sane for a little while.  For you that have read it so often, and made me see that some people like to read fun, meaningless stuff - thanks so much.   I am going to take a few weeks off, and hopefully recharge my creative batteries.  I have an idea for a new blog that could possibly become more interactive.  I liked this one, but I did not get much feedback, or many comments.   I think a more communal blog could be really interesting where we could build on one another's ideas and information.  

One last poem.

I could not help but laugh at the grass growing so green,
The bounce in her step.
I could not help but feel a little thrill as all those birds swam through the air,
so many, and yet they seemed so linked with their twists and turns, dives and jumps.
I could feel it on my feet and ankles - how could I not laugh?
Do you have the warm feeling of contentment way down in your belly sometimes?
The one that happens when you smell carnival food.
I smiled all over at the sight of the dogwoods.  They looked like snow was all piled up,
or else they were like exploding fireworks that were paused in mid-beauty.
I just cannot help but be happy.  I mean what else can the luckiest kid in the whole world do?
 I try to be humble, but it just bubbles over.



Be great

T or F

True or False:

1. Life is ordinary?
2. Our cells are really musicians, we are music?
3. You said hello to, and looked into the eyes of everyone you passed on the street today?
4. You took the night off your tv programs to watch the stars?
5. Nature has been so inspiringly beautiful that it made you smile?
6. You had fun brushing your teeth today?
7. You wanted to build a fort out of pillows and blankets lately?
8. You wanted to have a party with snacks, a fire, and a lot of not too loud conversation?
9. The universe is really big, and this makes you feel great?
10.  You smiled because...well just because?

I wanna too

Done and Done

I finished getting everything ready for the show today about an hour before the opening.  I am glad it is over.  I really put a lot of work into this, and it was nice to see my efforts completed.

I know that I have been talking a lot about getting more sleep, and I am very serious about this.  I have slept little over the past week, and I feel like a different person.  Needless to say I like my character better when I sleep a lot.  If I were doing this project still I would make a block about sleep.  Maybe it would be a squishy, pillowy block.

twas the night before...

Tomorrow the fever ends.

I am excited to start sleeping more.

Time

I gathered beauty all around me today,

like a drug my days are beginning to revolve around such experiences.

I long to sit and see, to notice.

Slowly, slowly.
raining a lullaby.
All those little drips, and drops.
Tonight they put me to sleep.

I will receive the ancient messages in my dreams.

Tomorrow I shall trade the secrets I have learned.  

I am in love with nature.

little to say

two song lyrics I have always liked:

"rejoice, rejoice we have no choice....but to carry on."

- CSNY

"we never failed to fail, it was the easy thing to do."
- CSN

Count down

So a few days left to tie up loose ends before the show.  I am having so much fun and am so grateful to have the opportunity to make, and think about art everyday.

I worked with my studio mate Erica today to learn how she uses her drawing style to create cutesy drawings for her pots.  I had a lot of fun, it was nice to get into her space and see how she works, and this type of work is so far out of my usual habits that it was a nice change of pace.   Erika likes to draw kitties and birds, while I like to draw little dudes.

This collaboration made me think about how great it is to interact with so many energized people.  I am amazed to think how complex we are as individuals, as well as how much I could learn from others, and about them if I would take more time to do so.  I imagine that there needs to be a level of openness in regards to how we interact on both sides, but that I could make a bigger impact if I tried a little more readily.  The idea brings up a lot of possibilities, and makes me want to interact in a slower, more deliberate way.

All mixed up

The days smoothly glide by.  Nothing new ever happens except everything.
I will never feel the breeze on my skin enough.
Today was so tricky.  I felt the excitement of spring and the wonderful melancholy of fall.

When I slow down time I am never disappointed.
As I gaze at the carpet I cannot help but laugh at its beauty.
I never take the time to be amazed by my carpet.
 I stare at the ceiling and my life is complete.
 The music floats across the space like clouds, the lyrics transport me to new lands.
Lands of an infinite, open field with slowly swaying grasses all spacious, and quiet.


If you have time please look up the musician Gregory Alan Isakov.  I think your life will be better for doing so.

Spring

I just cannot help myself in trying to somehow share and explain such overwhelming experiences.

What kind of gold can compare to the scents of spring?
Their perfumes so intoxicating, so liberating.
Who would trade such experiences for mere trinkets?
To be intoxicated by smells into the reality of memories and dreams,
who I ask would trade the freshness of air, and clearness of mind?
And so Spring begins to show its wonders - and we cannot help but be persuaded by such riches.



If you ask the god of spring where the flowers come from even it does not know.
                                                            -tibetan proverb

Daydream

There I was, up on that sunset.
As the atmosphere curled over the horizon so did I.
Those oranges and pinks are my heart,
those blues, and shifting grays my mind.
I expand exponentially, limitless, uncontained.
The opacity of clouds that hold onto the colors of the dying day slide through me,
I shrink back down to earth, my feet now feel the ground, but my eyes stay up in that space,
never to return.

TY

My roommate is a younger guy who is really adventuresome, and a bit wild.
He has been going camping the last few weekends, and today he told me that his grades are sliding a bit because of this.  I wondered about this.

Is it more important for Ty to study all weekend and get perfect grades in school?  Are his memorizing a bunch of facts going to make him a better, more informed person, or is his going camping and having that experience a better way of learning?  So my question is:  Is life a better teacher?  Should Ty worry about getting B's.  Who is really looking at these grades?

I just wonder about what type of people we want to be, and what our goals should be as educators?

I realize that these questions in the end come down to us as individuals, and of course that a mix of both worlds is important, but I think as questions they are super important.  I do not mean for there to be an answer to these questions either, but when I talk to Ty I want to tell him to go camping.

shake it off

Today was the day for sure.  People were out and about, I could feel happiness on the air as we all shook off the cobwebs of winter.  You have to love a good spring soul cleaning.  On my ride to school something really funny, and a bit embarrassing happened.
I was riding on this little road, the sun was streaming down, I was listening to music, and the wind was so refreshing against my skin.  I was enjoying myself so much, goofing, and playing on my bike.  I kept swerving to the beat of the music, I was letting my arms stretch up, and spreading my fingers wide to feel the breeze.  I was really having a great time and then I happened to look behind me and there was a car having to go really slow because I was taking up the whole road.  I had no idea, and I have no idea how long they were behind me, but they were laughing like crazy.  I just waved and looked sheepish.

Happiness 9

After reading over my student's meaning papers I was both surprised in some cases, and inspired.  Most spoke to the importance of others, happiness, enjoyment and a few gave praise to ol' Jesus.  Here are a few samples that strayed from the pack.

Mary Beth = "If we spend our whole lives looking for ourselves we miss out on living."

Sophia = (in terms of heaven) "I can't get into that, its like living to die."  
 "I think were crazy if we do not think we are affected by the stars, trees, or other living creatures."
"Just because humans have lost touch with nature does not mean that the connection does not exist."
"Time rules us, but I think life is about filling it, not spending it."

Bart = "All in a hurry to nowhere."    "All too fast to care."

Gabby =  "All you need is love."  "Our struggles make us stronger."

Julie = "Asking the question of what is happiness, and finding my own answer to its meaning."

Dani = "Everyone should be celebrated"

well

Patches of sunlight stretch across the room and land warmly on the floor.
The light of the room buoys me up.
Everything is so simple in moments like these.
the blue sky reminds of everywhere -
all things that are possible, and nothing at all.



The majesty of such a beautiful time trying to be explained through words makes a mockery of life.



                                                                                                           
                                                                            Decoration for the last day.  entitled: period

N Y by Lambros

Here is a poem by my friend Lambros.  I like it so much because it points so clearly to how our world view changes everything.

NY:

I wonder how a history book could possibly be true.

Life has a different edge from my point of view.

I love to look at people riding in the train.

So many people and they all have a name.

Plus a story that I just became part of,

They'll never recall it or think of it as love.

I look at them all and acknowledge a few.

My part in history, and now it's with you.

Lambros Tsuhlares

March 9

I am still working in the studio, and still trying to get all the loose ends tightened up.  I have lost the initiative of taking photos everyday, but am going to start again tomorrow.  I have really begun, as you might have noticed, to turn this blog into a place to spill the beans, so to speak, in the case of my inner life.

Here is a little outer life from today (with a bit of inner):

I had a conversation with a friend that impressed upon me the idea that our most notable experiences, as far as memories, and hopefully happy memories, come from our experiences with one another, and not from objects.  We had been talking about how, at least from my perspective, our society really pushes the importance of material goods (shiny car, big house, fancy clothes, ect...), and so this idea that our best memories have nothing to do with such things creates an interesting notion, as we work so hard to procure something that will have such a small impact on our selves, and our overall happiness.

 I hope it is understood that I do not think any of the ideas on this blog are answers for anyone but myself.  I in no way mean to present them as answers, but I want to share them because they fit me so well, and I was taught that sharing is good.

its simple

A breeze sneaks in through the window.  I welcome its touch on my face, and the scents of the coming spring it carries.  I peer out the rain streaked window, the overcast light does nothing to dampen my spirits as I watch the day slide past in each drop.   No great insights come, no profound meaning to take my life to some new, higher realm, just plain and simple beauty.

One more:

There is something on the breeze when you walk past.  I catch just a hint of your smell, it excites me with its unexplainable humanness and a hint of flowers.  There is something about the way your clothes fit, the way you move, and the way that same breeze messes up your hair in such a way that nothing else could.  I have not even started to speak about your voice, and yet I need not, because I want to talk about human.  That space between godliness, and dirt.  The way time wears us in, and we gain so much charm.  I will never know why my heart feels as it does, or how so much beauty can be contained in the most simple of acts of you being you.  No need to dress up, so perfect in everyday.

into night

A full moon rose golden off the horizon tonight.  I could not help but be captivated into inactivity.  Its ascent turned the sky a midnight blue, itself a pale white.  I felt calm, awed, quiet.   I could not help thinking about science, and the way in which our understanding can change the outlook on such things.  I am all for logic, but sometimes mystery, and miracles just feel so much better.

Fun

I have been working on designing a postcard for my show.  This is one of the rejected.  I was thinking about how to make the card fun in this case.

The show is March 20th, 6pm in the Laura Mesaros Gallery at the Creative Arts Center, WVU.

A new day at midnight

Being inside most of the day makes my bike ride home monumental.  I have noticed that I am often times writing about nature on here.  I think it is because of this outdoors experience before I settle down for the night, which is when I write this.  Imagine how boring it would be for me to tell you how beautiful my work table in the studio is.

I remember that paint splatter, and that oil stain too.  I am not sure where that chip in the wood came from, and all those razor thin exacto marks, I was cutting something for sure.  My life is in here - moments in time that add up all around me.  That is from a friend, and that I found outside during that rain storm.  I remember building that, and the day that they came over to visit and have tea.  We laughed so much about that story.  Here I am piling up around myself.  The trinkets of my life that tell such a profound story - one that can never be told.  Now as I look around, knowing that soon this will no longer be my home I wonder about all the time that has passed, and notice how it is engrained in my skin, and my heart.  I cry out a little at such loss, and yet something inside me knows that the horizon is never far.  

where to go from here

I have been having discussions (arguments for sure, cool, calm and collected, but good quality arguments without a doubt) with a friend about her belief in the Christian notion of god, and my belief in fence posts, and the unknown.
Here is a little poem inspired by such talks.

I believe in god during a hot shower, and right when I crawl into bed - the covers all warm and cozy.
I believe god lives in my teacup.  god must ride a bike to school, and love smooth parking lots (god's parking lot probably has a lot more trees (I wonder if god has to peddle?)).  I believe god must live in chocolate.  If I were in a band I would want god to play the bass.  I would not want god to sing lead vocals, god probably gets enough chicks as it is.  I bet god loves comfortable socks just like me.  Do you think god gets bored answering prayers all day?  If I were god I would go on vacation every once in a while, to a really far away place in the universe.  I would also want to make some friends, and just hang out.  I would watch TV sometimes, and probably drink soda, and maybe even smoke a cigarette or two.  If I were god I would probably love everything that I love now, but I would fly around sometimes when nobody was looking, because I would not want to have people asking me for winning lottery tickets all the time.

another on the pile

Today was a good day.   I drank a lot of tea (my step had some spring), ate a lot of chocolate (a bit more spring), looked at the clouds, watched the moon for a bit, stared at the city lights, talked to my friends, rode my bike, laughed, phoned the fam, breathed in deep a few times, worked, cooked an amazing dinner, and remembered that i am the luckiest person in the world.   So many little things happen, and add up to create long days never to be described, or thought of at all.

I have 16 days to get the rest of my work done, and I think I can make it.

More me meaning

To add a little to my post from yesterday I would like to just say a little more about my idea on the purpose of life.  An assignment is an assignment

I have from time to time found a new reality.  Rarely?  Yes, but impressionable.
 The light is different.  Objects with potential, meaning.  The body is lighter and the feeling is high, neither separate nor part of.  Some say, eternity, enlightenment, grace, spirituality, truth, happiness, love, some say bingo.
I revel in this mindset, a miracle, and try my utmost to always do so.

Kevin Z. = meaning to me

Kevin Z is a famous author you will have yet to recognize.  Here is a sample of his meaning/purpose

he took his time, like one who has the time to search for themselves, sliding his worn doc marten boots along the frayed persian rug, creaking the ancient wooden floors as he moved about the narrow aisles. light poured through small windows where spider plants crawled wildly, encouraging their babies to play in the dust that swirled around them. a few other customers milled about studiously and he made eye contact with them long enough, and nodded to reveal his genuine friendliness.


click on the highlighted words for a deeper view of Kevin's mind.

Some more of his work is at:
                         
                           http://blather.newdream.net/red/c/cadeau_de_vous.html
            and    
                           http://blather.newdream.net/cgi-bin/blather/edition=red?who;name=cuckoobird

the purpose of no purpose

So this idea of meaning/purpose of life is really interesting because we, in my opinion, get to choose our own individual meanings.  The Universe from my vantage point seems to have little direction.  How freeing it is to enjoy the freedom of spending what seems like limitless amounts of time trying to enjoy life.  We have these amazing bodies that are capable of so much, and this amazing planet with so many things to learn and see.  Couple these two things with the idea that the purpose of life is for no other reason than to enjoy it.  To just go along, to be amazed, to try our best at dealing with happiness and sadness, joy and hardship.  How interesting.  Then to try and get a bit more in-depth.  I think about what it means to be part of this whole system - in the middle of infinite space - Really?

Okay again I feel like my time is up - tomorrow I hope to go a little deeper.

Today's the Day

The purpose of my life today was to not get any work done in the studio.  I was so successful.

I received some feedback on my proposal for all the people I know to write a statement about what they think the meaning of life is, and it was not completely favorable.  Some people thought the idea sounded a little clique and old hat. 

My reasoning behind the assignment for my students (and myself) is to get them out of their normal mindsets, and to have them think a little about the choices they are making and where those choice possibly come from.  I would argue that we make many decisions in our daily lives based on our ideas about the purpose of life whether conscious of it or not.  At least I see this to be true in my own life

I am going to have to think long and hard about this idea of meaning/purpose.  

My initial thought is that the world is actually purposeless, and that we as individuals have the opportunity to create that purpose...hooray.  

Tomorrow I will go into more detail, but I fear that this post has reached its maximum length for utter enjoyment, and does not want to move into the realm of work.

Give a Little Bit

The time is ticking, ticking.

My students have to write a paper for next week dealing with what they think the meaning, or purpose of life is.  I am excited to write this paper too, because I am not sure that I exactly know what I think.  The exercise will be a nice way for me to take the time and think about it.

I am not sure how to make this more social, but maybe if you want to write your own statement on what you think the meaning of life is I would love to read it.  If I receive some maybe I could post some excerpts on here, which would be nice because then I would not need to try and come up with things to fill this space everyday.


I put together a sample of the blocks I have finished so far to see how they look.

Blank

Today was blank.  Today I was a robot.  Today I forgot to go outside.  Today my work overtook me.  Today I remembered to smile, but forgot why.  Today I am tired.  Today I forgot to care.  Today I did not feel the objects I held.  Today I forgot to feel the wind on my face.  Today I did not hug anyone. Today I forgot to be amazed.   Today I was not empathetic.  Today I only thought of myself.  Today I did not see.

Today was the best day of my life.  

Not because of all the things I did not do, but because right now I remember all the things I forgot.

wondering aloud

I stare out at the sun, my star, our star.
I can hardly believe such a thing, so warm, and so bright.
This place makes me wonder, I will say it a million times, and then just one more.

I imagine myself like the grass.  Shaking off early morning dew and stretching out before the bright.
Taking in its glory, all filled up.  I lounge like the breeze to be warmed and rise.
I laugh at its beauty, and am overwhelmed by such simplicity.  The answer lies on the tip of my mind, but I cannot square it out.  That is not to say I do not know it, because sometimes I do, but its like water as it goes through my grasp.

This place helps me wonder.

Freedom

Life is good.  I am completely overwhelmed with tasks, and having so much fun not getting any of them accomplished.

 Tonight on my way home the stars were begging for my attention, all mysterious and beautiful.  Of course I gave in to their "showing off" and directed my gaze skyward.  Oh, to talk about love, or emotions, meaning and life is so easy, but what can I do when for the length of a moment I am lost?  Gone, from a place of doing and needing, tasks and deadlines, to a place of unknown, mysterious, and ancient.  I love this idea of ancient, a small link that I can barely see, and do not understand.  They as amazed, and baffled by the stars as I.  I set down all my obligations, and whole heartedly waved hello.

memory

The smell of woodsmoke = memories, and longing.

 I cannot help but think of a room with warm light.  Everything here is worn, used, tattered, necessary, comfortable, cared for, and  the people share themselves.

Love is real.






The studio is good.  I am working hard, and having fun.

a little - a lot

The world is quiet,
 at this hour the yellow glow gathers in empty parking lots.
My footfalls sound important.
The mind stills in the mist of my breath.
As the hours pass the world grows even quieter,
every movement, every sound profound in the ghost light.
A pale blue will soon lighten the horizon and the world will slowly awake,
a soft stirring at first that will build into the blazing, hysteria of the day.

Good Night.

looking

The rain has come.  I received my wish, and was able to sit for a bit.  My senses ablaze, the watching, listening and dank smells of earth.  The car lights both red and white reflected off the pavement.  They make a music of steady splashing.  Watching the cars, the horizon, and the sky brings on a slightly enjoyable melancholy, a dull ache.  This striving, and insistent goings on of life, with its passing of time so secretive,  as I watch I never see it, but as soon as I turn my head it is gone.    



                                                                                                     Playing with day 7

finally made it

what if life was the best thing going.  I was thinking how much easier life would be if I could look at It as the destination.  What I mean is that our culture puts so much emphasis on achievement that I never feel like I get there, because there is always something else to achieve.  Maybe if I could see life as the achievement.  That being alive is enough, and that life is the most important thing.  I am there.  I made it.  All the things that I do in the sphere of life are just add ons, a little spice, like cinnamon.  I like this idea so much, because it takes off much of the pressure that society applies to the ideas of success, and being good enough.  We are already good enough, being human is entitlement.    I am there, man.                                                               

                                          Today I worked on Day 28 - honesty

stumped

Today was the day, as I am sure tomorrow will be.  The all important day.  The day that happens everyday, and will continue to happen until the day when the days end.

I am working.  I am happy.  Good food, tea, friends, art, health, garlic, family, beautiful world, what else could one ask for?  Chocolate?

  Finally, finally I sit down in the breeze.  A nearby pine dances and sways, it looks so happy from here.  The breeze flits across my skin.  The world is quiet.  How, I wonder when I love so much to do nothing, do I do it so infrequently?  To just sit,
watching, listening, no where to go, no thing to do.  Ah, the
breeze carries me away, if only for a little while to
remind me why I love life.    

Importance

Just another of those days that seem long, but is gone none the less.  I wonder if someday these are the days that add up to create a lifetime that has slipped by?  It is slipping by.  No matter how important all the
"little" and "big" things, the days are sneaking by.  How I wonder do we stop them, how do I stop them?  How do we find those moments that last forever?  The ones that make this life worthwhile.  The ones that make it something great, and something grand.  I will admit that within my day I am chore crazy, moving from one job to the next.  There are those moments that catch my breath, many in fact, and yet as I lay back right now I just wonder where they all went?  Funny how it is so light at times, and so heavy at others.

to do or not to do

Today was great.  I am having a hard time believing in winter right now.  The weather is so mild.

I got a lot of time in the studio, but am not sure exactly what I accomplished.  The tasks are great, and the time seems small.  Battle on, battle on.  My show will open on the 20nd of March.

My students have a paper due tomorrow entitled:  How do I change the world in my daily life?  I decided to do the assignment as well.  Here is a brief of mine.

Imagine that we are pebbles dropped into a pool of water.  We move through our days, the ripples of our actions flowing out from us.  The force in which a pebble is dropped into water is important, as is the distance the ripples must travel.

I am not sure I really want to change the world.  I do not know how it should go, I only know how I like my own, and sometimes I do not even know that.

the purge

I know this blog is supposed to archive my art work, but I just cannot help using it as a place to share my other triumphs and losses.  It just feels so good.

Recently I have fallen (I will not say in love) in like.  As it goes this woman does not share my interest, and so of course I with all the feelings of melancholy, and sadness (which I do enjoy at times, but at others imagine that I could do without emotion all together).  Since my heart cannot be filled the analytic mind begs to be, and so I had this realization:

In all the mornings I have never once asked my blood to circulate, nor the heart to beat.  The mind seems to whirl on its own account.  May I ask then how I can expect to control love?  Love pulls us up at the most unexpected times, it will not be called, and will not go when asked.  Love is a clamorous robber, a silent saint who takes and gives as the breeze, as the heart beats - unbidden.

Today

I seem to think a lot about trying to exit my daily routines, and seek adventure.  Ahh, but imagine all the adventure that happens in the most ordinary of days.  When I roll from my slumbers the adventure begins.  Moments hold within them the new, the unknown, the adventure.

Today was just like all the others....mysterious, adventuresome, uncertain.  I had to break into my own apartment with the use of a really long ladder and a friend.  What a sight it must have been.

Oh yeah, I worked in the studio and am excited for sleep.
 Off to the adventure of dreams.

Day now

A trip to Wash. DC today to get my art batteries all charged up.  I found some new heroes, and revisited some old ones.  I am convinced that well made objects can change the world.  I found myself taking some of the lessons that I learned from the work out into the world.  My life better for it.

Poem Time:

Tonight I long for a thunderstorm.  Me on a back porch, the rain patiently falling.  Lightning showing off the clouds, all whites, oranges, and purples, but just a peek at a time, its luminescence scattered across the sky.  Far off thunder speaks of power, and mystery, a low rumbling that joins me to the earth.  the warm summer air brings with it moisture, its temperature just warm enough to be felt on the skin.  I in a chair, maybe family, maybe friend, or alone, it is the quiet and calm that I long for, the magical enchantment of the unknown.

Forever ever

Yesterday, and today two of my studio mates helped me decorate a few forms by showing me the techniques that they often use for their own work.  The experience was really fun.  Seeing them in a new light, and having time to talk with and question them was insightful and gave me a new way to know them.  Sarah is interested in the process of drawing lines and state of mind that comes about through repetition and performance.  Mandy's process is more physical and involves a looser way of using color and line, while giving over some control to the possibilities of the material.

The time comes to reach way down deep - to look inside, to find the me I am looking for, and then I hear the rain, and remember it is not all about me, its all about we.  I wonder how much my letting go enables you to do the same - the rain too.
                                                                                     

Lines on the wall

I imagine blowing grasses in a long field.  Their tips are yellowish green and they stretch as far as I can see.   I am way above them comfortably sitting, just watching.  My mind cools down in this space, because there is so much of it, just going.  After a long day this view brings the breath I had forgotten about, and I take it in, way in and release.  With it goes a lot of trouble, no trouble really, but living and working is hard.  Things come up, and the days are long.  I see these words working their way across the page and I imagine how personal it is even to share such little things.  Now a stronger breeze comes up, strong enough to give the grasses a voice.  They chant out a song, and their earthy smell reaches me.  I am somber here, no mood at all.  I will visit this place in my dreams, and it will teach me.  

The 8th Dwarf

Hi ho hi ho its back to work I go.

Today was great.  It is going to take a bit of work to get back to good, but choices are so easy when so few.

I am excited for dreams, as well as sleep, to give myself away until I awake.  Some mornings I lay and remember such adventures, such stakes, and laugh a bit to myself - how serious it all seemed there in that place, and now I laugh, how serious it all seems - awake.

One too many lemons

This image is what I walked into the studio today to see.  My heart sank a bit.  This is the work of about a week and a half to two weeks.  Obviously I have not learned as much about shelf building as I had suspected, but am learning stoicism quite quickly as of late.
After the clean up and a review of my schedule and time possibilities I am not discouraged too badly.  I realize that the gods have noticed my lack of lemonade, and although I have found no honey as of yet, they must have thought that I might still enjoy some lemons.  Ahh get ready for some great hummus you gods of gravity.

The day of days

The meaning of life stares back at me.  Oh please let it be something that might touch my heart.  Let life be glad of the stars, and the sky.  To forget what I lack, and see those things in front of me, to see them in a glory.  A way that might bring a smile, some joy, and a truth.  A truth that need not be tucked away in my heart, but one that I can be proud to hold forth and share.

Today was all business maybe I should say busy ness.  The salt firing results were better than I had anticipated.  I was worried the structure of the larger forms might not hold up, but they did great.  I also worked on day 8 = chaos and a loss of control.

start my heart

Maya Lin    "Systematic Landscape"

Today was wonderful.  Time was slow, and so much happened.  This morning a bit of school and a bit of studio.  And then some friends and I traveled to Pittsburgh to hear a lecture by the artist Maya Lin.  Her words were clear and concise, and her art is beautiful, thoughtful, and intelligent.  I feel like a better person for having listened to her talk.  If you are interested    http://www.mayalin.com/    go here and you too can be a better person because of art.  She has a show at the Carnegie (CMOA) which is really impressive, and fun.

the difference of same

Fired a salt kiln today.  In regards to the pieces for day 3.  Time will tell.

I like writing "poetry," it is a nice way to come to grips with my feelings, and thoughts (I am not sure if these are actually different things, but for the sake of understanding I wanted to use both words).

My thinking lately has been so focused on the idea of vulnerability, and trying to open up.

We hold so tight to love - like children with balloons. That long concrete path stretches out before us, dry, cold - known.

love wants so badly to float - to adventure - to soar - of course such things must find the ground again, but what should we do if we do not seek beyond those clouds?  The dizzying heights, valleys so low.  

The dusty corner

Did you see the snow today?

Sometimes the flakes fell fast.

Sometimes they just meandered, turning corners, floating, drifting, taking one another by the hand, laughing, singing, enjoying the slow steady pace towards the ground, all the while nothing but to breath, and just before they landed a meandering, gentle breeze would take them up, way up, and let them roll off its smooth breath, just to watch them float, one another, joined, together, nothing to do but land and show off the beauty of quiet.  I did not watch either, but I can imagine it was wonderful.

Who?

Today was great, grand, fine, just perfect - everybody on the bus.

I was thinking about who decides when I am happy, or who makes the decision to say that I am sad.  Hell yes its me.  So why then would I let someone else tell me when I am successful?

Full Moon

The moon is way up, so beautiful.

Here is an image from today's studio adventures.  They are in regards to day 2.

Today was really nice, nothing too special, except for those moments.
 I read Lao Tzu in regards to Taoism.  I can only imagine how beautiful the prose was before translation, because the translation is so wonderful.

The writings lead me to think a little about our   societal goals.  This is what I came up with:

We spend our time for money,
in hopes to buy free time.

Day by Day, minute by minute

I will make this quick, I am tired and ready for dreams.

Today was mostly writing, a bit of studio.  We are expecting our materials shipment tomorrow, so I will be able to get back to work full swing, I am looking forward to hermitting in my studio.

The last few days have held some really great happenings, but also more lemons than I am used to.  I am trying so hard to make lemonade.  The idea of seeing hardships as little stepping stones to becoming a more tolerant, less stressed person sounds so awesome, but being able to take such a path is difficult.  I am learning, but some honey would be sweet... (forget about it).

Daydreams

Today was sun, and it was a perfect sunday.  I spent enough time inside working and enough time outside enjoying.  

I have been working on the boxes for day 12.  the idea was how to represent outside, and inside.   I used a drill to make all the holes.  

I had a conversation with a friend today about love.  I have been trying to understand why I do not let love overtake me more often.  Why do I not hunt it down?  Why not find it and let it fill me up?  I do not mean only physical love, but all forms of love.  Maybe love is not the right word, maybe instead I will say goodness, or happiness.  I mean the physical feeling of contentment, with a slight mix of excitedness.  This is a feeling I get when I relax a little and really start to pay attention to what is happening outside of my head.  I let go and bada bing-bada boom I am all filled up with love.  I want to do this more.

Day Off

Today I did not even go into the studio.  I went instead to visit the fam.  I love going home, it is so nice to go somewhere and visit with people who will love you no matter what you do, or who you are.

I think the news media gets it all wrong.  They make humans out to be so bad all the time.  You know, robbing, stealing, playing silly games.   I was out and about a bit today, and you know what I saw?  I saw people who were trying to make one another happy.  People doing nice things for one another and trying, in very small ways, to make the lives around them a little better.  Way to go people.  

win some lose some

I did very little physical work today.  I am trying to dedicate enough time to my reading and writing.  A few chores came up today, in the end I did not have much time in the studio, so with the little time I did have I tried to cross my i's and dot my t's.

I also did not have the best day emotionally.  For whatever reason I was feeling a little unsettled.  This led me to think how important it is for me to consciously try to be a part of and face those feelings of unease.  There is a sort of magic in trying to feel, and be apart of all emotions - no matter my notions of whether they are good or bad.
I do not want my life to pass by just because I am trying to escape the way that I feel.

still

I worked on decorating the day one boxes again today.  They are tedious and painstaking, because I have to handwrite all the words with underglaze, it is a nice change of pace though.
  I drank tea like a madman, which was counterproductive since the work required sitting quietly and concentrating.  All that caffeinated energy would build up, and I would then harass those around me for a few moments.  So fun.

I had a really in-depth conversation with a friend tonight that made me realize just how opinionated I am.  Not that it is a bad thing, but as much as I realize that the best answer usually lies in the middle, my personality seems to forget.  And in the end what am I really wanting to accomplish?  It seems important to approach others with the understanding that they are not going to be, or think like me.  So how do I go half-way, and meet them with understanding and respect?  This seems so easy, but I fear that beliefs and ideals are ingrained so deeply that it is anything but easy.      

So serious for so much fun.

A New Beginning

Not working on creating the boxes today was a nice change of pace.  I started to decorate a few from days one and twenty six.  I missed the notebook just a little, but I thought that this space could enable me to get out some of my thoughts.

As a kid I remember walking onto my grandmother's porch at night.  The smell was always of earth, moisture, decay, regrowth, and a little love that would follow me out of the house.   A night breeze would move across my skin.  I was always a little afraid of the darkness off the porch, and the possibility of what existed within it.  

Tonight those old smells found me, and the breeze too.  Only now I am searching that space off the porch, although that fragrance of love is still all around.   

Day 31

The little things.

I have been trying to hold onto to moments.   Grasp onto them tightly, changes are coming and I want to try to get everything out of this time.

I realized today also how important small deeds are.  Just a smile, or a quick chat.  To take the time to stand for a few extra seconds and hold the door, or to thank someone - really thank them, not the habitual kind.  Someone peeked their head into my studio and made a comment that in that moment changed everything.  My day went from great to grand, it enabled me to sit back, take a deep breath, smile, and be thankful.  Thankful for nothing but the remembrance that I am a part of something that is common, and yet so far out of the ordinary - life.

Done and done

I made the last of the forms today.  I have a lot of them, around 240. (80 big, 160 small).  Now comes the decoration phase.
The idea is that I now go back through all the days of the journal and choose which idea from each day I will symbolize onto the forms I made that day.  So if I was able to make eight forms, those eight forms are decorated with a symbolism pertaining to the idea from that day.

Here is a picture of the two small molds.  They wear their time well.

30

Ahhh....can you hear that, yes that is the sound of freedom (one day to go).

Something really miraculous happened today.   I found myself letting go of my worries and trusting that the universe is a place that is not out to hurt me.  I realized instead that this is a place in which I belong.  This is my home.  I am allowed to feel comfortable, and happy.  Breathing easy is not a bad thing.  I can see that letting go of fear and accepting uncertainty takes a certain courage, and acceptance, but I am so excited to practice my new found faith.
  I think it is really interesting that you can be told about an idea a thousand times, but until you experience it there is really no way to fathom, or understand it.

Twenty 9

Story Time:

A Story - the recounting of a sequence of events.

I have been thinking a lot about how much of the interactions I have are based in a story format. Many times I find myself telling a story, even though I do not always have to finish that story.

For example someone asked me what I was doing today, and I told them that I was playing on my computer. They accepted this answer, but did not delve any further into my story.  

My idea with all of this comes from the layers and layers of information that go into artwork, and more broadly, my life.  The question is will I take the time to investigate those layer to find the meaning and stories I am looking for?

Poem Time

The Bells toll from afar.  I hear their message on the stars.  "awake - go forward to adventure.  Throw off habit, let your ritual die.  Seek the heart's hiding place, and collect your dreams - they litter the floor.  Let them fill your pockets, and throw them from the edge.  Let the abyss swallow them and see that here lie your true dreams - the unknown, the undreamt."


One more that I borrowed a few lines from to create the above:


My dreams are all around.  I see them stuck to the walls.  They litter the ground at my feet, are 
stuffed in my pockets.  They flow from the pen and my lips.  
They are scattered all around.  

28th

Honesty:

I realized that I have had the opportunity to use this project, especially the notebook, as a place of honesty.  A place were I could be truthful to myself.   In some ways I think I am afraid to see were my desires and needs come from, and in other cases I will never know, there are just parts that I cannot understand, and surely do not take the time to.  So what do I do about honesty?  How can I gain the strength to face my needs and longings truthfully, and not be afraid to show them to others?


                                                                                       

Twenty 7

Two things:


1.  I am tired of this project.  I am excited about the work.  I am happy that I am learning so much, but I am physically tired.  I realized today that ideas cannot be forced.  Which is, in my opinion such a weird concept.  The concept that the harder I try to force something the less likely it is to happen.  I felt a little pressure today to think of interesting things, but alas nothing.

2.  I left the studio and went out to dinner with some friends.  Guess what?  Great conversation and a plethora of ideas.  I think for the first time in my life I have formed a real belief that I want to make a solid part of my life.  Some people believe in god, and they really believe.  I have always been so amazed by this  belief because I have never felt such a thing (I am sure I have a lot of ingrained beliefs that I am not identify very well).  Last night I realized that my belief in the universe has to do with balance.
 The most truth I see lies in between the poles.
 The Grey area, it makes so much sense - I love grey.

Six and Twenty

Today I realized how important this process is to my well-being.  The opportunity to sit down everyday and write has become therapeutic.  I am finding that I am so much better able to express myself through writing than in social settings.  How often do you think I talk about my emotions, fears, and hopes during the day?  Not that I could not, but who really wants to hear about how my heart feels, or what I think about god?  

Guess what?  My heart hurts.  I cannot tell if it is a feeling I should be enjoying or if it is pain, but I am trying to enjoy it because it is something different than what I usually feel.

I do not know anything about god, only what others have told me.  When I sit down and look for god I see beauty.  

20 + Five

I found myself sitting in the sun, feet dangling over a concrete wall with no one around.  Long overdue emotions erupted in the form of a vulnerability the likes of which I have not known for a long time.  I was swept back to a time when I was 5 or 6 years old.  I was wearing a green, collared shirt and it was picture day for kindergarten.  Amazing that I was at one time that little man.  I feel like that must have been a different life, or a different world.  That person was vulnerable too.  He had not yet built up the walls.  That version of me was innocent.  There in the sun I saw that person within me - vulnerable and innocent - a child lost in a world that he does not fully understand, and yet he still gets his picture taken none the less.